Reviews for

Reviews for not your mother's life

From "The Tender Trap"

Reviewed by Rebecca R. Kahlenberg
Sunday, April 29, 2001 Washington Post

Perhaps the divorce rate would go down and the number of happy marriages would rise if couples could share more of the responsibilities of parenthood from the outset. In Not Your Mother's Life, Joan K. Peters maps out a course for young women to follow to achieve the balanced work and family life that has eluded many baby boomers. Young women need to realize that the 50-50 partnership that exists for many couples before kids typically disappears when a child is born. So women should think strategically, Peters argues, by planning with spouses how they will share parenting responsibilities, and discussing with employers how they will retain a career while raising children. Rather than buy into the provider/homemaker roles in which men run the show, women need to "know the playing field, including knowing the kinds of work most welcoming to women, how to negotiate, to protect yourself, and to recognize the danger signs."

Peters does not pretend that achieving a balanced life is easy in a work culture in which professionals typically average 60-hour work weeks and the overall average is 47.1 hours. While pointing out that business, law and medicine are "magnets for workaholics," she finds room for optimism, describing women in those fields who are thriving in flexible and humane environments while sharing parenting duties with enlightened spouses at home.

I wish I had read this book before I had children. It's fascinating, and almost revolutionary in its perception of a society in which shared roles between parents are a viable option. •

Rebecca R. Kahlenberg is a freelance writer specializing in family issues.

From Publisher's Weekly, May 7, 2001:

NOT YOUR MOTHER'S LIFE: Changing the Rules About Work, Love, and Family
Joan K. Peters. Perseus, $25 (328p) ISBN 0-7382-0346-7
With strategic planning and a few sacrifices, today's mothers can have it
all, just not all at the same time, argues Peters (When Mothers Work).
Because of their economic clout and knowledge gained from past generations'
mistakes, contemporary young women are uniquely positioned, according to
Peters, to achieve the balance of work and family that eluded their mothers
and grandmothers. The keys to success are knowing what one wants, planning
accordingly and avoiding the traps of a traditional marriage, in which the
mother bears primary domestic and childcare responsibilities. Choices of
college majors, careers, nurturing partners and even residence (close to
family for child care) all affect the child-rearing experience. Real-life
case studies are scattered throughout the book, showcasing a wide range of
strategies. In some families, dad stays home; in others, mom chooses
flextime or a less-prestigious but more family-friendly employer. A chapter
on entrepreneurialism instructs women on how to strike out on their own;
another titled "Understanding the Workplace 2000" teaches women-and men-to
negotiate and redefine the workplace: its hours, pressures and benchmarks of
success. Extensively researched and highly readable, this book offers a road
map to a more balanced future for mothers, fathers and the children who will
benefit from happier, more fulfilled parents. Agent, Susan Ginsburg. (May)
Forecast: An entire generation of middle-class women faces the problem
Peters discusses. Her optimistic and accessible book should have a wide
appeal.

Want a family life? Negotiate

By Kerry Hannon, Special for USA TODAY, June 11th, 2001

Not Your Mother's Life is pitched to the newest cadre of working women — the boomers' daughters.

Author Joan Peters also targets a fairly broad age range: 25- to 45-year-old women who are combining work and family.

Most American women are being taught that they can go head-to-head with any man, and they want to.

Nonetheless, there's the societal pressure to have children. That's a cost in more ways than you might expect, and it's generally the woman's bill to pay. Peters writes about how to get out of that trap.

This book resonates with good advice about examining your life. It discusses how to figure out what kind of work accommodates family life.

When children arrive, things start to skew. Peters advises readers to decide to make changes sooner rather than later. "Choose your life, don't let your life choose you."

That might sound trite, but it strikes a chord for women of a certain age caught in the net.

"Think through the ramifications of each choice, from getting married to accepting a particular job to having a child," Peters says. "And don't be afraid to negotiate a deal with your husband to balance parental work and care. If you haven't asked already, it may be too late," she says.

Her final message: Don't put your career second to his. Strike a bargain upfront.

Not Your Mother's Life is full of great examples and role models. Peters interviewed women in their 20s, 30s and early 40s to learn about their goals and strategies. She talked to psychologists and exhaustively tracked down findings from studies of work, family and women. She follows the paths of women who worked only out of necessity, those who played by men's rules to climb the corporate ladder and the ones who quit to take care of children.

Peters offers good strategic tips on how to interview a prospective employer and negotiate for hours, vacation weeks and benefits. If they want you, they will write a contract. Demand limited travel, no relocation. You may want to work 4 days a week but settle for 2 weeks' vacation. Or be willing to work longer hours, but insist on a month of vacation.

Bottom line: Everything is negotiable from Peters' perspective.

In the end, Peters cheerleads for a more humane workplace for men and women. She advocates changing the way work gets done. When you now have sleeping rooms in offices and dental services on wheels in your firm's parking lot, you have to step back and figure what is really important.

Joan K. Peters